The Appeal of the Utterly Insane
by Shinosenshi
Summary: The dairies of Scintillo Cantus, a sixth year with anger narcissm problems, and a penchant for practical jokes. Queen has never sounded so good until it came from under Snape's rear....(A bit of language, but you'll survive!)
1. Entry 01 September 7th

~~~Disclaimer! 

Don't own any of the delicious Harry Potter characters (or any of the not so tasty ones, either, come to that,) however I do stake claim over Scin, in all her nuttiness.

However, I credit this idea to Le Masque for her brilliant story - "To Annoy Snape: The Diary of Maria Donovan To Annoy Snape: The Diary of Maria Donovan

" 

Oh, the inspiration!

Love,

Alex.

**The General Appeal of the Utterly Insane.**

Or, less exciting title – 

**Diary of Scintillo Cantus.  (Mother's Idea.  BORING.  But she did write it on in fixed ink, so what can I do?)**

**NB: The Bat = Snape.**

**Date: Date?  15th….?  Uhm, no….er….Oh, Bugger it, a week after the start of term.**

**Mood: Determined, and aggravated.**

Why, you ask, have I not been writing in this charming, pale pink dairy my mother bequeathed on me as a pathetic excuse for a birthday present until now?  Because The Bat confiscated it on my first night of term!

Slimystupidarrogantgit.

I'm not even in Gryffindor!  I'm in Ravenclaw!  What does he have against me?!

…I did try and club Draco to death with it, yes, but that's entirely besides the point.  Yes, yes, I know, it was a stupid thing to do, but I had my reasons.  Which brings back to my uncharacteristic mood of determination.

It all began on the Hogwarts Exp-

No, no it didn't, my memory fails me.  It actually began on Platform 9 ¾, where I was assuring my paranoia-stricken mother that I would not be enjoying in any more of my experiments in how long a first year can remain conscious under the supreme power of The Bat, after one has convinced him that said first year just put pink paint on his back.

Did I say back?

I meant hair.  (Bucket on the door trick – muggle, yes, but brilliant.)

Anyway, I was trying to reassure her that in my sixth year I would actually live up to Ravenclaw standards (One B, screw you Bat!) when out of no-where that blond haired little prat sauntered out of the apparently solid barrier between platforms, equally as stuck up father in tow, and said, very loudly – (And I quote-)

"Hey, Scintillo! Thanks for the Birthday gift you sent me this summer!" –insert self satisfied smirk here- "I loved it! Pity my birthday's in January, hey?"

Wallow in the rage!  The Chagrin! The complete, and utter, embarrassment!  Why did I get so angered by the comment?  Well, for years now Draco has been upholding the pretence to both my parents, his parents, and the entire school body that I am hopelessly smitten with him.  Which provides him with two forms of amusement.  Firstly, it allows him to smile sardonically and flick his hair whenever anyone mentions my 'infatuation', and agree about how utterly pathetic I am.

Second, it means my mother loves him.  Which is a benefit, since she's on the examination board for our OWLS.  Sneaky little twat!

Oh, and did I mention that it causes me constant aggravation, something he has desired for ever since first year when I stole his entire collection of clothing upon discovering the Slytherin password?

So, this was how he began our yearly wars.

**~~Freeze frame!  Skip to great hall!~~**

Picture this –

The great hall in its entire splendor, older students jostling into the hall beneath the floating candles, greeting each other jovially and sliding into their usual seats.  And above it all, the smooth, arrogant and utterly detestable voice of Mister Malfoy.

"That Scintillo girl?  I just can't get rid of her!  You know, she turned up at my place these holidays.  How embarrassing! Father says…"

I didn't hear any more than that. 

Because, being the cool, calm and collected person I am, I turned and walked to the Ravenclaw table, ignoring everything he said.

…What?  Oh all right.  I elbowed my way through the crowd and, in a bout of unreasonable anger, clouted him over the head with my diary.  Just my luck, The Bat was just entering the hall behind me, and saw the whole thing.

20 points from Ravenclaw, detention with Filch, and dairy confiscated for a week.  (Only a week because I kicked up a stink about it being personal property.)

Growl, Snarl, and give me the pink paint!


	2. Entry 02 September 8th

A/N: Yeah, I know, that last chapter was terrible. I'm a little rusty, bear with me?  
  
Date: You know what? I don't know why I bother with even putting a space for the date in this thing. I'm usually too incensed to remember.  
  
Mood: Incensed. Big surprise.  
  
Well, well, well. Who's laughing now?  
  
NOT ME!  
  
Who honestly thought that sixth year would be easy, and then had the stupidity to say that in front of The Bat himself? Hannah Abbott, of course. Who else?! Everybody drones and whines about Neville Longbottom's idiocy, yet he is far too afraid of Batty dearest to so much as squeak in front of him.  
  
Hannah has no such reserve.  
  
Alright, here we go.  
  
It's the day after I got my diary back, and my first lesson was Potions. Now, I'm nice and irritated already because of the whole diary thing, and the last thing I need is for Batty to be in a bad mood. Which, to start with, he wasn't.  
  
Well, not in much of a bad mood, he's always in some kind of pet.  
  
Anyway, he seemed to be quite happy simply to lecture us on how important this potion (some kind of stuff that makes you go all weird and giggly. Must find way to administer it to Draco.) was going to be in our overall OWL scores. Showed us the ingredients and procedure on the board, and so on.  
  
Unfortunately for the rest of us, Hannah decided she wouldn't read the very complicated, if short, instructions, and simply comment straight away. "So, the OWL's are going to be easy then, if all the potions are this short?"  
  
Dumb girl. Batty flew into a rage at this, calling us all a load of glassy eyed fools who were not prepared for even the simplest of tests. Then he proceeded to give us more homework than any sane person could manage! Die Hannah, Die!  
  
Then in the corridors after class, disaster struck. Well, actually I struck disaster...with a book.  
  
"...And then father says to me, that Madame Cantus was sure to give me top grades. Some silly business about her daughter being so...enamored....with me!"  
  
Bang.  
  
I Threw the first book my hand could find at Draco Malfoy. Then realized a split second later that it was my diary.  
  
DAMN DAMN DAMN!  
  
By the time I got over there to take it back, he had realized exactly what precious jewel had been thrown at him. And, he began to read. Out loud. Out very loud.  
  
"Dear Diary..." Do I ever start with dear dairy?! HELL NO!  
  
"I'm falling more and more in love with Draco every day..." Oh no....?  
  
"I can't stop thinking about him-"Yes, we can see where this is going can't we?  
  
"I wish he would pay more attention to me, but he just doesn't seem to notice..."  
  
What did I do? Well, let's just say that he noticed me then. Me and my textbooks. 


	3. Entry 03 September 10th

Date: September 10th. Go me! Remembered the date!  
  
Mood: Quite elated, actually.  
  
Today and yesterday were oddly satisfying. Much to my surprise, yesterday passed without incident, therefore I deigned not to trouble myself with this pink book of doom. (Which is now responsible for two Draco bruisings! Yay!)  
  
Today, however, was another matter entirely.  
  
Got up this morning with the good old burning desire to wreck havoc on someone. I had a few choices. Hannah Abbott, for the stupid remark she made two days ago (didn't finish homework, got points deduced along with every other Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff in the class), Draco (for existing) or Snape (Also, for existing).  
  
Decided on aggravating SlimyBat, as despite the fact that no matter how bad the eventual punishment is, it's always more satisfying. In fact, I had already thought of a plan on the way down to breakfast, putting me in such a good mood I didn't try to dismember Draco as he passed a snide remark in the corridor.  
  
Aren't I nice?  
  
Unfortunately, I didn't have potions until last today, so my utterly brilliant plan had to wait, as there was no other time I dared execute it.  
  
My good mood stayed firm throughout the day, even allowing me to manage a jovial "Hello!" to Professor Sinistra when I went to talk to her about my career during break. (See? I'm a normal sixteen year old! I plan beyond!) Have decided that one day I'm going to be a writer for Wizarding World, and travel around with some photographer, hopefully male and gorgeous, and write long and sophisticated articles on things like wild Hippogriffs and curses on ancient tombs. Go me!  
  
Anyway, back to the real world, in which I am currently being poked by Cho Chang. Bugger off, I'm writing! Ah good, she's gone. Probably to brush her hair. Grumble.  
  
Then, double potions. Hehehe....  
  
Now, that fateful day when Hannah made her dreadful mistake has been nagging at me ever since. I think to myself, what a brilliant potion, makes an idiot of anyone who drinks it. Such a shame to let it go to waste.  
  
Who better to test it on than SlimyBat himself?  
  
(Random thought. I wonder how much trouble I'd be in if this diary was ever found?)  
  
The primary question was, of course, how was I going to get him to drink it without condemning myself to death by spit poisoning, from the saliva that flies from his gob as he screams obscenities at me?  
  
The answer lies within the caffeine. Like any teacher who ever in their lifetime had to look after the likes Hannah Abbott, SlimyBat needs his hourly dose of coffee.  
  
So, as he was slinking around the class to criticize people's potions, I slipped from my desk (at the front of the room, where he can keep an eye on me. I'm not that much trouble, honestly!) and snuck up to his table, the dregs of my potion from the 8th. Did I mention that I had made a double dose, so the dregs were quite a lot?  
  
After a hurried glance around, I emptied the contents into his coffee, assured that no-one liked SlimyBat enough to dob me in.  
  
"Miss Cantus!"  
  
I had neglected to remind myself of his uncanny sixth sense for being hoodwinked.  
  
"What are you doing?!"  
  
Luckily, he hadn't seen me commit the heinous act. "I'm, uhm, checking the board, Sli-ah, Sir!" Nearly called him Slimy there....whoops... "I couldn't see!"  
  
"Miss Cantus, you have glasses and you sit at the front." Sneering git. Like I didn't know that! "Are you really that blind, or is it just your utter stupidity that makes you misunderstand my instructions? Sit down."  
  
Naturally, I obeyed nice and meekly.  
  
Then he drank his coffee. Wooo! Never Have I laughed so much in my entire life! You can't possibly fathom what a wonderful sight it is too see your most hated teacher sit calmly at his desk, then let out a sudden burst of very, very girlish giggles! The look on his face...! And it didn't stop there! The giggles kept coming! And coming!  
  
...Of course, it would have been much wiser not to laugh...  
  
Still have toad innards under my nails from the first of my two weeks detentions. 


	4. Entries 04, 05 & 06 September 15th, 17th...

**Date: **15th September

**Mood:** Self satisfied.

It's been uncannily quiet recently, even the regular irritations provided by Prince Draco have died off a little.  He's decided to go back to Harry baiting, thank Merlin.  I mean, I do the school a great service in my spare time by slowly driving our great flapping grease ball of a potions teacher insane.  Whereas Harry Potter just whines about how hard done by he is.  See, he needs Draco's attentions.

I don't!

I'm getting off track.  I was saying how quiet it's been around here.  Well, I put an end to that silence this morning.

Ever since last time, I've been literally itching to try something new, and an idea occurred to me at Breakfast this morning.  Some muggle born was singing a very strange song called Fat Bottomed Girls.

I couldn't resist.  Only two days ago Flitwick had taught us a spell that would charm objects to recite a poem or a song…It was simply meant to be!

So, I ambled innocently up to said muggle born, and asked him for the complete words.  Obligingly, or because I have a reputation to be ah…..angry…., he wrote them down for me.

I dared not attempt my cunning plan during Potions, since greasy Bat was still a tad on edge about my last little joke.  (Did I mention he kept giggling for the rest of the day?  Must have overdosed…..)

So, at morning break, I moved in for Operation Queen-Song.

Getting into his classroom was simple, since I had left it until the end of break when everyone's definitely left the classrooms.  Charming his desk chair?  Yet again, simple.  

I did, however, regret the fact that I would not be hearing this charming little rendition (from underneath the Snape's rear, no less!) so I lingered in the corridor behind a statue as the first years filed into the room…

And, sure enough-

"..Left alone with big fat fatty, she was such a naughty nanny…!"

He must have jumped up then, and I don't honestly blame him!  At this time I was doubled over behind my statue, my laughter unheard over the din of cackling first years within.

Then, I heard the door open.  I bolted, and I haven't yet found out whether he's been able to prove it was me, since I have tactfully avoided him ever since…However, I do believe one of the first years took it upon themselves to do something to his desk chair so it doesn't **stop** singing...

Well, I'll have to wait and see whether or not I'm going to survive the rest of the week.

Until then, I'm a genius.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**Date: **17th September

**Mood: **Deflated.

Not such a genius after all.  He doesn't have any proof that it was me, so no detentions yet.  However, he has successfully managed to destroy every potion I have made since, and to keep me back after class to 'clean up'.  I have hedgehog intestines in the seams of my robes.

Bastard!

You wanna play like that, do you?!

We'll see…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**Date: **18th September

**Mood: **-insert evil cackle here-

Must be quick, I'm at dinner and Batty is irate.  He made the mistake of hanging his cloak on the dungeon wall during class today, and I have no idea what possessed me to do this.  Might have been the fumes from the potions we were making.  Whatever it was, the instant he turned his back, I took my inkpot and quill (I have white ink, since it looks uber cool in black parchment!) and painted a target on the back of his cloak.

I don't think he's figured out why all these small projectiles keep hitting him yet.

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews! Keep 'em coming, I keep the story coming! (NB – not inspiration.  Ego boost.)**


	5. Entries 07 & 08 September 20th & 21st

**A/N: Right.  Let me just re-stress that I don't own anyone except Scin.  I'd love to own Snape, but it's just not going to happen, now is it?  **

**Also, Maria Donovan makes a cameo appearance, and she belongs to Le Masque!**

**~~~~~**

**Date: 20th September (wow, time flies when you're having fun, hey?)**

**Mood: Plotting…plot plot plot….**

Got bored today, and did a bit of an analysis of my subjects and teachers…

Potions (start with the obvious, shall we?): Snapeykins.  Slimy, derogatory, over opinionated, EVIL git.  Old and greasy, too.  I don't think much elaboration is required here.

Astronomy: Sinistra.  Very stately, intelligent woman, reminds me of mum...maybe that's why I feel like I'm conversing with a piece of frosted glass when I'm talking to her.  Why is she the head of Ravenclaw?  Why?!  She has about as much ability to relate to her students as a cinderblock.

Transfiguration: McGonagall. Why did I even take this subject? Will I ever need to transfigure a three-headed monkey kept as a mascot by the ancient wizards of the Amazon whom I will be doing an article on?  Not unless I'm testing to see how much antagonizing the aforementioned tribes will take before they turn _me_ into a three headed monkey.

Ancient Runes: Let's just say it's kinda dull… I'm not going to mention our teacher for his own safety, after pulling that test of us last week he's gone into the witness protection program.

Arithmency: Professor Vector.  He's a lunatic. Never assume any teacher who works with numbers is dull.  In actual fact, my theory it does something to their brains…he writes the date on the board in algebra charms…a/n – my maths teacher DID write the date in algebra in year nine. Made it hell for the rest of us…  Doesn't stop this from being my least favourite subject.  No, potions is not my least favourite.  The teacher however…(DIE SNAPE, DIE!)

Charms: Flitwick.  THANK YOU PROFESSOR FLITWICK! Without your inadvertent intervention, half of my little experiments on Batty and Prince Malfoy Jnr would never have been possible!

Well, I know it's not much of an update, but I have been neglecting my diary of late and have decided to write in it, no matter how inane the content.  However, I must add that I can feel a burst of mayhem coming up.  Prince Draco has gotten off far, far too lightly this year…

**Date: 21st September.**

**Mood: Very, very vindictive and very, very angry.**

Staged my little thank you present for Draco today.  Didn't exactly go to plan.

The original idea was that I could pull the most horrid pranks on Prince Obnoxious without any form of retaliation, simply because that would disprove his little theory of my infatuation.  Suck on that, Kiddo.

Actually, that was pretty much the general idea…

I planned this yesterday whilst writing my lovely analysis of my subjects, when a fond memory of broom stick lessons from first year popped up…through the twisting layers of thought I arrived at watching a Quidditch Practice where Weasley the Younger took a shot at Prince Obnoxious.  Failed miserably, ended up regurgitating slugs, and lots of them.

This led me to wonder – how did so many slugs get into such a scrawny guy?  Well, Draco is scrawny, for sure, so I thought I'd answer my question.  Unfortunately, I needed another party to help me execute this plot.  You see, it's simply enough to send something flying at someone, but to direct them exactly _into_ their mouth the victim- ah, subject needs to be stationary.

That's where Maria comes in.  Maria Donovan, fourth year Gryffindor with just as deep a hatred for Sevvykins as myself, and just a little regard for the rules regarding respect for teachers.  Or, in our case, Teacher.  So, I guessed she wouldn't mind providing a distraction so I could hex Draco.  I guessed right! J

So, in the crowded corridor of morning break, Maria comes hurtling along the corridor at breakneck speed at the signal from yours truly, careening straight into the Blonde Brat.  Problem number one.  Yes, it rendered him stationary as he fell back into a wall, but it also rendered my accomplice slightly dazed as she, also, ran into a wall, the difference being she went head first.

Feeling guilty about now, but the show must go on!

So, whilst Draco was still leaning, winded, against the corridor wall, I whipped out my wand and hexed our ammunition straight at his mouth.  Slugs was such a cliché, we decided, so the 'ammunition' was frogs from the lake's edge.  Big ones that had been sitting in my bag half the day.

Yes, the frogs hit their mark.

Yes, Draco doubled over, gagging.

Yes, it was hilariously funny to watch some great, green appendage spew from Draco's fat gob.

And, yes – Snape was standing directly behind me.

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?! WHY DOES THAT ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME?!

So, in conclusion, Maria is now is the hospital wing with a concussion and a success story that puts her feet on the road towards professional pranking in the upper grades, and I am currently sitting behind the cauldron I'm meant to be cleaning for my detention – the first of fourteen – watching the flobberworm gore drip sluggishly off the sides.

Mmmm, how appetizing.

Snape – you're going DOWN!


	6. Entry 09 September 26th

**A/N & Disclaimer (again): Just a bit of pre-story information… some of the more 'muggle tricks' in the coming chapters do, in fact, work.  Also, just thought I'd remind the authorities….-glareglareglare @ Draco- that I don't _own_ any of the characters belong to J.K Rowling, and I don't own Maria Donovan.  She's Le Masque's, so go and read her stories too!**

**Draco:  Better.  Don't neglect the disclaimer in future.  I detest the thought of belonging to you…**

**'Lex (AKA Shinosenshi): Shove off. (Get back into your nanowave, you unnatural being! XD flitz! Speaking of Skitxo Flitzo – I KNOW YOU READ THIS! REVIEW ME!  I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE YOU DRACO FANCIER!)  **

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

**Date: **No sodding clue. I've regressed… I did remember the date for a few days!! I did!

**Mood: **Ouch.

It is my self proclaimed duty to disrupt the every day life of Severus Slimy-Bat Snape at every possible opportunity.  And at every other spare moment, irritate Draco 'Frog Eater' Malfoy to the best of my ability.

I do so solemnly swear…

First task, instead of keeping the students guessing as to whether or not he really _did_ murder that first grader for back chatting, assure them that he did!  (NB: he did not, I thought it too risky to start the rumor myself, so I asked Maria to ah...spread it around…She rose to the occasion marvelously, all the first years, most of the second years, third years and fourth years all believed totally he did kill someone.  The sixth and seventh years considered it, understanding it was probable.)

This took a little planning, actually.  I'm not used to that anymore, although it is good for me to get back into organized crime like pranks.  Without the illegal part…yeah… Anyway, I decided the best way to go about this would be to plant magically made body parts throughout the Potions classroom over perhaps a week… although how I could stop Him finding them before the students was a matter which took a little more of my careful (snork!) consideration.  

Eventually, I decided with a wince or two that I'd have to plant them just before class, in the storage cupboard.  I knew it was risky, since it was very likely Snape would walk in just as I slipped the fake hand (bought from the Weasley Twins! Two more cool Gryffindors to my three person list!) into the spare cauldron Justin Flinch-Fletchy has used since Hannah melted his last one. To heighten the risk further, I decided to do it just before my own class, which was a sure spell for disaster.  But I so badly wanted to see this.

…Anyway, The hand went into the spare cauldron.  The left leg (foot included for no extra cost!) found its new and hopefully temporary home in the storage cupboard…and I secreted an ear behind the jars of bubotober puss, which I knew we'd be working with today.  This was, in a way, self harm, since I intended to find the ear myself and somehow injure myself in 'shock', therefore getting myself sent to the hospital wing.  My grand finale went into the tiny desk drawer where he keeps the out of class slips for hospital wing visitors.  See how much I thought about this?  I'm going to such lengths I'm even willing to injure myself!

Then I sneak outside again, just in time to see Padma Patil round the corner.

"Scin…?" She asked me, sounding either wary, confused, or both.

I grinned wickedly, "Promise me you'll scream?" I never, ever give straightforward answers, but very obligingly, Padma nodded, if a little shakily.

Brilliant.  At least one assured reaction.  I waited for everyone to arrive with bated breath, and a slightly ill feeling in the depths of my stomach.  This was the first time I knew I was giving myself away fro certain.   Of course, he wouldn't suspect me until the Grand Finale, but when he did… well, I'll get to that.

The Bat came stalking down the hallways, black cloak billowing behind him.  As much as I detest the man, I must admit he does know how to get the whole evil git image going.  I made sure to look as simply exhausted as possible, so as not to arouse suspicion as I slipped innocently into my assigned front row seat.  I even managed a slight cringe at the sneer he shot me upon calling my name – professional pranking makes a wonderful actor out of one, that's for sure!

Then, he told us to fetch our ingredients for today's poison… Of course, I was the first to reach the shelf and, stealing myself, reached out and pulled the first jar of puss away.  I was naturally prepared for the sight of the slightly rotted ear sitting on the shelf, but managed to let out a shriek loud enough to cause Justin to drop his cauldron…

Brilliant.  The hand tumbled out as I staggered backwards in 'shock', tripping purposefully over a chair leg, and Padma screamed, possibly of her own free will.  I hit the floor hard enough to see stars for a moment or two, before seeing people surging away from the hand that trembled like old jelly on the floor about two centimeters to my left…

Then whoever was in the middle of opening the storage cabinet screamed.

That was enough for Snape, he leapt up from his chair where he had been glued in absolute astonishment at the situation unfolding and stormed over to me, "You! Miss Cantus, Hospital Wing!" He dragged me up by the back of my collar and pushed me towards his desk.  "If I ever find out you did this…" He hissed into my ear, and I actually shuddered at the venom of his tone, and the knowledge that in about two seconds…

Drawer open.

Two, bloodied eyeballs rolling on the floor.

Me, running.

Why did I run?!  WHY THE SODDING HELL DID I RUN?! Natural instinct, I guess, when that look of murderous rage dawns on the face of Severus Snape.

The next thing I knew, I was sitting in the hospital wing, batty looming over me like…uhm, well like a bat actually.  Keep in mind that I'm all of 5'3, very slight build and sitting down.  Whereas he is about six foot, and very loom-y.  And smirking.  I could feel doom creeping up on me…

"I hope you enjoyed that, Miss Cantus," He sneered.  That's all he does, you know.  Loom, glare, glide, stalk, smirk and sneer.  Broken record, so predictable. "It's a pity it didn't quite go to plan, though, isn't it?"

And here is where I sign the death warrant by opening my big mouth – "Actually, it did Professor! Except the running bit, I don't know what came over me!"  He looked as stunned as I felt.  Apparently, I didn't ever know what came over me if I was stupid enough to say that. His state of surprise didn't last, unfortunately.

"So you did plan it?  Oh good, I'm going to enjoy outlining this to the Headmaster." Sneer.  Sneer Sneer Sneer Sneer Sneer Sneer. "And he was so convinced you'd be more like your mother…such a pity…"  And then he swept out.  Or glided.  Growl, off to see the head about my 'abysmal' behavior.  He has to get through Sinistra first, so maybe I have some time to suck up before then…-shudder-

Oh well, the prank did go well. About 85% of the school now think Severus Snape murdered a First Year, Slytherins included.  Which is a plus.  But there is something I need to find out in the very near future.

How did I get from the dungeon corridor to the Hospital Wing with no memory of an in between?  


End file.
